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10-12-09 ohsolonely

fyi, i did do something ballsy with a boy on my floor. twice. well, technically three times. the third wasn't that ballsy though. first two times with the first boy were bad decisions but necessary at the time. the third and with the second boy was probably one of the best nights of my nights. i really like(d) him. like a LOT. however, he got back with his ex two days after that night. theyre not even dating again, just hooking up. it almost killed me. it still might. it did break me a bit. well, a lot. its getting better though. i think. nothing happened with justin over thanksgiving but i might actually be seeing him tonight. that could be interesting.

So I really want a boy to cuddle and kiss. Really really. It’s terrible. I wish that I had the guts to actually do something about it. I think that it won’t be too much longer before my extreme desperation gives me some guts or makes me do something rash. I hope that if I do something ballsy it’s with one of the boys on the floor. I would really love to have a boy that I could make out with or snuggle with when I wanted. And plus I am getting so freaking tired of my v-card. It would be nice to have a boy who I could conceivably give it to. Like someone who was a serious hook up. I mean, I probably wouldn’t give it up that easily but if I hooked up with someone consistently enough I could get further than fucking second base. I mean really? I’m EIGHTEEN and going to be nineteen. I should not be this freaking innocent still. It is getting ridiculous. I want to be more experienced. I want to be able to have some confidence when I actually do get with boys and not be some stupid naive girl.
On another note, I really really really hope something happens with Justin over Thanksgiving break. It probably won’t but it would be so awesome if it did.



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