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10-12-09 ohsolonely

fyi, i did do something ballsy with a boy on my floor. twice. well, technically three times. the third wasn't that ballsy though. first two times with the first boy were bad decisions but necessary at the time. the third and with the second boy was probably one of the best nights of my nights. i really like(d) him. like a LOT. however, he got back with his ex two days after that night. theyre not even dating again, just hooking up. it almost killed me. it still might. it did break me a bit. well, a lot. its getting better though. i think. nothing happened with justin over thanksgiving but i might actually be seeing him tonight. that could be interesting.

So I really want a boy to cuddle and kiss. Really really. It’s terrible. I wish that I had the guts to actually do something about it. I think that it won’t be too much longer before my extreme desperation gives me some guts or makes me do something rash. I hope that if I do something ballsy it’s with one of the boys on the floor. I would really love to have a boy that I could make out with or snuggle with when I wanted. And plus I am getting so freaking tired of my v-card. It would be nice to have a boy who I could conceivably give it to. Like someone who was a serious hook up. I mean, I probably wouldn’t give it up that easily but if I hooked up with someone consistently enough I could get further than fucking second base. I mean really? I’m EIGHTEEN and going to be nineteen. I should not be this freaking innocent still. It is getting ridiculous. I want to be more experienced. I want to be able to have some confidence when I actually do get with boys and not be some stupid naive girl.
On another note, I really really really hope something happens with Justin over Thanksgiving break. It probably won’t but it would be so awesome if it did.

10-5-09 stupidgirlshit

me feeling terribly lonely.

So I don’t quite know why I keep thinking about Justin. I mean, he’s cute and all but I hardly know anything about the kid. Maybe that’s it. Maybe he intrigues me. Even still, it’s more than he should. Ugh I just hope that we do hook up again. It would be so nice! He seemed to into it when we actually did. I keep forgetting that really did happen. Maybe that’s good. Maybe it would be like a do-over if we hooked up again. He’s just so cute! And not in a conventional way. And he’s so interesting. I love his photography. What I wouldn’t give for him to want to take pictures of me. Jesus, even this has my heart going. I shouldn’t be projecting all of my fantasies onto him! It’s not healthy considering he had Jago tell me to “forget” we ever hooked up. Maybe when I see him again it will be different. Maybe he will actually want me now. I hope I don’t want him just because he turned me down. I don’t think that’s it. I mean, I wanted him the summer before, too. It probably has something to do with it though. Again, not healthy behavior. I can’t help it though! Whenever I think of a guy I want to be with, my mind goes to him! It’s kind of weird, actually, but who am I to question my mind/heart? I guess I’ll just go with it for now and hope that something happens over Thanksgiving break. God, what I wouldn’t give to hook up with him again so soon. I think if we hooked up again it would mean something and he wouldn’t want to forget it. I think.

I kind of wish I wasn’t so caught up on this but at the same time I kind of like it. It’s nice to have a guy to think about if you don’t actually have one to hook up with. Hopefully that doesn’t last long, though. I want to hook up with boys! Like NOW.

9-28-09 rantrantrant.

my adjustment to college. i was terribly pissed off at Dhara. enjoy.

I really wonder if Olivia knew how incredibly shitty I was feeling about everyone forgetting about me when she drew that on my door. Whether she did or not, it makes me feel better. I mean if she did know, she cares enough to try and cheer me up. If she didn’t know then she honestly thinks that “I’m cute everyone loves me” which is kind of awesome. I bet she knew. How couldn’t she? I’ve been so depressed these past few days. If people didn’t notice they’re either blind or unfeeling. Speaking of which, Dhara is REALLY getting on my nerves. EVERYTHING is about her and no one else can do anything right. I mean, I try and ask her if Radika is an Indian name because I was curious if it was just Hare Krishna or a general Indian name and she corrects my pronunciation and starts talking even before I can finish. I’m pretty sure I said “Hey, is Radika a…” when she interjected. And she did the same thing when I asked about Chandra, or should I say “Chun-drah.” What the hell is her issue? And she keeps bringing up the mall!!! How fucking inconsiderate can you be?? I wasn’t invited to go which hurt enough in itself and for her to keep bringing it up just makes it hurt more. There is no reason for her to keep talking about it. I’m glad Josh called her out. I feel like he feels left out like me. It’s awful. I wonder if they have any idea how terrible I am feeling as a direct result of their inconsideration. Tonight was good though. Thank god for Jenna. I’m so happy she invited me to dinner with them. God knows Dhara wouldn’t have. She fucking almost left without me to go to Olivia’s when she knew I wanted to come the other week. It blows my mind how inconsiderate she is. And she DID leave Matt behind!! How fucking rude can you be?? And she’s so “self-conscious” but she has more than one guy that want s to be with her. I really, really am getting fed up with her. If this keeps going on I will call her out. I kind of did at dinner tonight. No one wanted to hear about the fucking “smart black kids” at her school and we sure as hell didn’t care what their names were. Tonight was decent though. I’m glad I hung out with Jackie and Ashley studying. They’re so nice and funny! And then hanging out with Dylan and everyone in the hall was fun. I’m really glad I got to talk to him. He’s chill. I’ve never really talked to him before. I think I might like that part of the hall better. I really like Jenna and Olivia and Erica. And I like all the guys. Except AJ kind of. He’s kind of annoying. He and Dhara are a good match. That’s awful but whatever. I hope things just get better from here. They couldn’t really get much worse.



i've decided to start posting my journals on here. i want them to be at least semi-accessible to the world. i'm a loser and like my writing in them. they give a pretty good insight into who i am, or at least who i was at the time i was writing them.



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